By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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