You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
