God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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