if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm both gender and math confused
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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