Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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