My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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