I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
