No awkward lesbian experiences without me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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