I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
