I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
