i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize