If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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