are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
