dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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