why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
