Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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