happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
