he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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