So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
