I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
