something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
