Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
