I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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