Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
