I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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