Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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