the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have already put on my inside pants.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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