Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
