I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
