Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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