I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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