I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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