I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize