am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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