Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
