I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
