I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
