we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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