The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Houston, we have a squirter
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
