I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
its liver damage thursday
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
