Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
