i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We don't watch enough power rangers
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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