i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
