My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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