Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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