so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
