I bet he comes in French.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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