peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
