I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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