My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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