when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
