He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
