i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Four minutes until I can fart!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
