You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
