In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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