Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
