i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
