Three words: puerto rican gang bang
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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