I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am midnight drunk by noon
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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