I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
