im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need to wash the frat house off of me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
