you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
