He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize