Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
