Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
